Some more letters written today and some more tweaking. The closer I get to this particular goal, the more terrified I get. It’s not even the idea that I will fail, or I am not as good as I would like to be. Hell, even the idea of success seizes me guts cold. Really, it’s the not knowing. That’s why pushing through is a skill I really need to keep working on.
Today was all about the little steps. The little things I could do to feel the progress that I needed. Yes, I was still scared, but I took those small steps, and I kept going until I met my goals, as miniature as they were. The best part was looking back and seeing what I had accomplished. For just a split second, feeling proud was a lot louder than the anxiety.
That’s going to be my focus for now, I think. Those small moments of success where I can allow myself not to feel the pressure of the future, but to just live in the joy of the now. Overthinking is really a curse, especially when it comes to creativity.
I hope that with time I can train myself to take the small steps more frequently. Maybe I will even tremble a little less each time. I don’t think I will ever be rid of the fear, but then again, I don’t think I ever really want to be.
There is an inspiration in it when it doesn’t control your decisions. It reminds me of what I am working for, what I value, and what I really want from this profession. Pushing through a little bit of fear will always make the work more meaningful.