I really enjoyed having a good day today. Just like yesterday, I found my flow and my story feels the closest to finished it ever has. I was facing down fear and self-doubt all day. I was planning the future while securing my present. And just like that, right at the end, my lizard brain popped up to say hello.
I sat at the computer, staring at the screen, and dove headlong into overthinking. I started fretting about tomorrow, going back to work, wondering if I can keep up the pace. The fear was overwhelming, a three-hundred-pound weight driving itself into my chest. My heart was racing as I imagined all the ways that I could fail.
I tried to breathe, to meditate, to work past the fear. It wasn’t very successful, which only led me back into the cycle. My need to be perfect, to be brilliant, constantly out shadowed by the fact that I will never be.
And I know that. I know it in my head. At least half of me does. The other half isn’t so sure of that and constantly tries to hobble any progress that can’t be measured by leaps and bounds.
So, there I am, with the weight of all of this on my chest after having a good day.
I started to laugh.
I mean, if this is my neurotic self on a good day, what’s my excuse going to be on a bad day? That’s something that’s just too difficult to comprehend. I must do something that I haven’t really gotten good at yet. I must let go.
Having a good day today doesn’t mean anything for tomorrow. It might be another good one, it might be terrible, it might be somewhere in between. I just need to find a way to use whatever kind of day I have to its fullest potential. I need to learn to not let the present sabotage my future.